Deferral... and some other things

This post was originally meant to be about our family's choice for deferring R's place in Reception, but reading it back it's also about how we discovered our voice as parents. At the beginning I felt like a fraudulent parent for quite sometime and found that I constantly second-guessed what we were doing because of the way others acted towards us. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm definitely still figuring this parent gig out, but R and E are every inch ours and we will fight for them as such.

I debated whether or not to write about this as I think 'Deferral' is a personal choice that everyone needs to make for them selves and I would never want to seem as though I were pushing it. Yes, we did decide (and then bitterly battle) for R to 'defer' although it may technically be considered repeating as he had already done 6 months of Reception in his foster home- but more about that later. What has me thinking about it all over again is that we are now debating whether or not to keep E in Nursery school another year and defer her place in Reception until 2020.

Let's start with R, shall we? When we received his CPR (the document containing all information known about a child) it was filled with doctor's reports about milestones not being hit, a severe speech delay and had even labeled him as having 'Global Development Delay'. Global Development Delay is the term used for children (usually under 5) that are delayed in two areas of learning or more. We researched the term in depth and came back with very little. In my personal opinion, as a society we like to label and when a child such as R is not hitting developmental goals, but there is no obvious reason, they find themselves lumped into the "GDD" pile. Looking back, OF COURSE he was delayed in more than 2 areas of learning, no one could understand what he was saying- how could they gauge something like his mathematical understanding? Global Development Delay was peppered all over his paperwork, and honestly, the ambiguity of it all made Tom and I extremely nervous about whether these two were the right choice for us. We originally told our Social Worker that we wouldn't consider children with Learning Disabilities, we felt awful about it, but it is the honest truth- we were not prepared to knowingly go into that situation. During our Matching Panel we were thoroughly quizzed on why we wanted R if he presented with developmental delays.

The vagueness of GDD is frustrating for many reasons, but in our particular case I feel it made his Social Worker (who was his acting guardian on behalf of the state at the time) write him off as being 'slow' and that achieving well below his peers would be the norm for him throughout his education. The fact that she allowed them to be sat in front of a television in a room with old toys that offered zero stimulation for a year and a half while in the state's care spurred me to do a bit more digging- perhaps her opinion shouldn't be the be all end all of our child's educational career. More on that later...

We met the children for the first time at 'a viewing' this February gone. What we were greeted with was a friendly, curious and energetic 4.5 year-old. R made eye contact, was keen to be involved, show us his things and in his own way (because no one could understand what he was saying), negotiated when cake would be served. We are so thankful that we met R and E as after that meeting all of our fears subsided- it was clear that they were 'behind' because of the neglect they had faced in their young lives, not because they weren't capable of achieving.

Since that meeting or 'viewing' as it was referred to at the time, we worked towards having R and E become our children. An immediate priority became finding schools for them both. Even back to when I read R's CPR, I thought he would be a good candidate for deferral. As he is a Summer Born boy, that is enough to at least apply to defer but when you add the neglect, speech delay and 'GDD' that he had been coping with it seemed the obvious choice. We set off to find schools in our neighbourhood that would be supportive in us exploring that as an option for R. After viewing seven schools and discussions with either SENCOs or Heads at each we settled on a wonderful school about a 10minute walk away. Of course nothing is ever that easy, we had to apply for three schools in order of preference and wait to see who had room in the middle of the school year. We were lucky to be offered our first choice school.

My initial suggestion was that when R started school 6 weeks after moving in with us, he would join the Nursery Class for the remainder of Summer Term and then go into Reception the following September. Yes, he had been in Reception whilst at his Foster Home, but I thought it be much smoother for him to stay with the same cohort rather than going into Reception and appearing to be 'held back'.

What I had never appreciated was how much power their Social Worker would have when it came to making plans for their education. I had ignorantly assumed that as the children would be in our lives forever and hers just a few more months, she would defer to us when it came to long-term decisions such as this. I could not have been more wrong. First off, she gave a staunch no as her answer to my suggestion of Nursery first and then Reception. We assumed that was because there was a risk that our request to defer could be rejected and then he would effectively go from Nursery to Year 1, fair enough. We realised we were going to have a problem when we discovered that the Deferral Application that needed to be sent to the council had to be sent by her and she refused. To keep a very long story short, we had to have the Head from Virtual Schools of the council the children previously lived in (who is in charge of Looked After Children's education whilst in care) mediate and eventually offer to pay for a private Educational Psychologist to make the deadlocked decision. It took about a month, but they eventually found an EP to observe R in class for a day. I was able to meet with her that day and she unequivocally agreed that it was in R's best interest to do a full year of Reception at his new school. I cried. I cried in front of the EP, in front of the SENCO and R's teacher. The EP explained that he was a lively and interested little boy, but was not at the point developmentally where he could focus on a task for much longer than a few minutes. She went on to say that as he's not emotionally where his peers are and then in turn, he will struggle to access the curriculum (aka learn). The EP said what was most worrying is that as there appear to be no Learning Disabilities, he would be most likely be stereotyped as 'naughty' (how I dislike that term!) from a very young age. She kindly wrote a letter to his SW that afternoon stating so and the application went in the following day. We were very lucky that a space was still available in Reception and R was officially given a 2018/2019 Reception place mid June 2018.

Unbelievably, that is the short version of our story. It took us four months, countless meetings, and several phone calls to various professionals that we hoped could help us. In this instance, the stakes were very high and we were not going to take no for an answer. It was odd fighting so passionately for something when we had barely been R's parents for a few weeks. The main reason I chose to write about this is to express how important it is to stick to your guns when it comes to things like this. R's Social Worker's only reasoning for him staying with his cohort was that 'he would cope', whereas we wanted to give him the chance to thrive- which I suppose was the root of the issue.

So many people who adopt are physically and emotionally exhausted by the time they get to placement, I'm not sure how many would have the energy to fight the fight that we did. I'm not writing this to explain how great we are, but to encourage others who may find themselves in our position. Even though you are new to parenting, you MUST trust your gut. You MUST go to bat for this new person in your life. You will live this life with your new children until you die, the Social Worker will be gone in a few months so push for what you feel is right. Although this situation was a nightmare for some time, winning in the end gave us the confidence that we were actually doing what was right for our son. Parenthood at the beginning (and currently!) was a guessing game with a lot of trial and error but to know that we made the right decision when it really counted means the world.

I'm so pleased to say that R is having a great year at school so far. The initial awkwardness of his mates going into YR1 has disappeared, he's made lots of new friends (as have I), he's nowhere near the bottom of the class, and overall we have a much more confident boy who loves going to school. At the end of the day, it's not the grades he achieves, but whether or not school is a positive experience for him. We are still debating about deferring E, but I'm confident she will end up where is best for her too.